An Introduction to Ontological Coaching
Ontology sets the stage for a change of perspective that transforms*
Ontology is the branch of metaphysics dealing with the “nature of being.” As such, one’s current ontology (self-concept in relation to the world as you perceive it) and the potential to explore alternative perspectives for living set the stage for a crucial distinction. Sometimes change comes from a practiced commitment to a new idea that can nonetheless be framed in an existing understanding one’s self in the world. We approach such change with ontological stability. “How I need to be to be me, what I can (and can’t) do, my rules for feeling worthy, and the way I make meaning of the world” may be perfectly suited to navigate a change that you’re contemplating. The change may be new but it doesn’t change you.
There are other times when assumptions about “how I need to be and how the world works” are no longer navigational aids. Instead, they may be the problem because they lock you into a way of thinking that keeps you from seeing other possibilities. If you’ve ever worked hard for something and, despite a concerted effort, goal attainment has remained elusive, you may be up against a change that holds you in this paradox:
“I’m looking forward to exploring this change. It makes sense, I think there’s more, and I want to grow! I’m going to put my foot on the gas pedal!”
“I’m NOT looking forward to it. What if I fail or disappoint someone…? What if this makes people unhappy…? Maybe I’m not ready… Maybe I should circle back and try something else…” These thoughts lead us to stand on the brakes because it’s where we always stand when we get worried.
Such change invites ontological disruption. With such disruption, the change you are contemplating is not a problem that you will solve but rather, a problem that will solve you. You will be challenged, not to find ways to try harder but rather, to interrogate the ways that you may unconsciously hold yourself back with worry based on how you and the world are supposed to work.
The ontological method is a powerful way to bring limiting beliefs out into the open. By demystifying them, you can find a path forward that honors the caution your worries are there to signal, even as you take the sting out of how such worry makes you feel when the change you want involves the risk of leaving your worries behind. This is transformation.
Ontological coaching is for exploring alternative constructs of reality
Our way of being in the world sets the stage for how we make sense of the present and take action for the future. The OAR Model* shows us that the “observer” we are in any given moment is the frame through which we see and make sense of what’s going on.
You make meaning of the world by being an observer of that world. You make the meaning. This includes the possibility of seeing the same thing two different ways, e.g., “I didn’t get the job. This sucks! It could be the worst thing that ever happened to me… I feel despair.” The same circumstance might result in the belief that “This is great, it wasn’t meant to be and the thing I’m really looking for is still out there. It could be the best thing that ever happened to me… I feel hope.”
Through meaning making, you are able to take the things you see around you and put them into a context of understanding. It’s how you ‘get” the world. This perspective bends toward your life experience, judgment, preferences, and prejudices. This is hard-won, a version of reality that we all build for ourselves.
Typically, such perspective is built for keeps because it gives you a reality construct that works. Even when you know it’s not perfect, your way of being in the world is typically built for you to not have to think hard about the things that matter most to you. This is what allows you to twitch fast to fix things that are worrisome, without having to give it a second thought.
We humans are hard-wired to get really good at this. And, being at the center of our own story, we don’t see this as a reality construct. To us, the way we are (and need to be) in the world doesn’t seem like a choice. It’s the water we swim in and as such, it is transparent to us.
Not having to think about what to do next is durable and self-correcting. We are motivated by ontological stability to keep our world spinning true on its axis, the axis we believe it turns on. That it might turn equally well on a different axis is not a typical human consideration.
This makes it troublesome to consider a shift in perspective that includes, say, trying something that we’re not supposed to be able to do or contemplating a way of being that, while outwardly desirable may also feel like an existential threat (say, being OK with something not being perfect or facing a difficulty that you’ve been quite good at avoiding).
Coaching for ontological disruption is the opportunity to shift your perspective. In doing so, you will find that there are other versions of you with “ways of being” that enable you to see different paths to the future. By exploring alternative perspectives, you break the transparency of an existing and often persist mindset… ”Hey, here is the water I’ve been swimming in!” In exchange, you will see the things you care about in a new light, with insights for attending to your concerns in ways that were unavailable to you in the old mindset.
Coaching for a new horizon
As a coach, I help you take stock of how your world is working and invite you into perspectives that will allow you explore new possibilities. What happens when you get curious about how you see yourself in relation to the things that matter most to you? You will learn that more is possible. This may involve looking to a bigger horizon, with a bigger version of you reaching farther across that horizon than you’ve ever imagined. Paradoxically, you may also find that new possibilities for effective living are not on that far horizon but rather, close in, steps you can take that have been hiding in plain sight.
The best part about this is that it’s about you. My job is to help you explore your curiosity, being curious yourself. Because only you have the answers to questions like these:
“What are the things you care about and how is it going taking care of them?”
“What are other way’s you’ve been thinking about this?"
“How do you want the future to look?”
“What’s the version of you that holds freedom for being in that future?”
More is possible and I’d like to connect so that we can talk about exploring your answers to these questions, the answers that are already in you.
*For more on the ontology, see the companion piece on this site’s resource library: